Never Forever
by heatqueen
Summary: Setsuna felt that she was destined to be alone. However, she finds out that never forever is one condemned to such a horrible fate.


She was finally allowed a normal life, yet Setsuna wasn't happy. She'd finally gotten what she wanted for years, yet still she felt as if there was some kind of gaping hole inside her, some empty feeling that she could not comprehend. Despite everything, she still felt lonely, not physically, but in the fact that there was no one who could understand what she was feeling. She knew that if she told anyone else, they'd probably tell her she was being selfish, and that she had nothing more to ask for.

But what was life if one had nothing to strive for? Why bother to live if one could not achieve things? Setsuna felt as though there was nothing left to do, that she was no living in some sort of too-good-to-be-true luxury, but such a luxury wasn't perfect for there was never anything to look forward to. When she'd been Sailor Pluto, she'd been able to look forward to the coming of Crystal Tokyo and the destruction of evil, but now that that had happened, she felt as if there was nothing else to look forward to. Now that she was in this perfect life, it seemed like there was nothing else, and she found it simply inhuman to not have something to desire.

Then there was the massive feeling of guilt that was constantly with her. She'd been at the time gates for more than nine hundred years and had watched so many lives suffer. She felt horrible that she could do nothing but sit back and watch, merely because she was forbidden from taking action. It made her feel disgusted with herself that she didn't have it in her to place her life before those others and help the world anyway. She constantly tried to tell herself that things would be so much worse if she did meddle, but that didn't stop her from feeling guilty.

It was practically midnight and Michiru and Haruka were asleep next door. Setsuna wondered what they would think if she confessed everything to them. She'd never done such a thing before – in the past, over the nine hundred and something years she'd been alive, she'd always acted alone, upon her own judgement. This time, however, her own judgement wasn't helping her, and she felt a little scared. Usually she had the answers to everything, but even time couldn't help her out of this situation. It was all so confusing.

The other unfair thing was that all the senshi had each other and she had no one. The pairings were as such: Haruka and Michiru, Ami and Makoto, Minako and Rei, Hotaru and Chibiusa, and Usagi and Mamoru. Then there was Setsuna…and no one. Of course, she could have just gone for some ordinary guy, but her past was so complicated that no normal man would understand, and it would be too difficult to try and hide it. It would also be unfair to lie to him about her past; hence she stubbornly stayed single, despite what she was feeling.

Tonight seemed particularly difficult to get through, but then again, every night had been more and more like a living hell. Although she was tired from the lack of sleep, she felt like an insomniac with too much worry to deal with. One night she'd even tried sleeping pills, but to no effect so she stopped and threw the whole pot down the sink in frustration. This night she just sat on her bed, staring around at her room and thinking about her past and future, like normal.

But there is only so much capacity in which one can store up her emotions, and Setsuna was almost at her maximum. She desperately wished that she had a way of letting it out, but that would mean breaking the safeguard she'd so carefully built up around herself over the years. Talking things over with someone was something she'd never done before, and it wasn't something she wanted to start doing now. And yet…

It was a difficult decision and Setsuna spent about half an hour thinking over it – small though this may seem to the guardian of time, she had learned to see it from others' point of view, and from such points of view, it would be quite a long time. Eventually, she stood up slowly and put on her dressing gown and slippers. She was slightly nervous about what she was about to do, but pushed all her fears aside, telling herself that Michiru and Haruka would listen and would never think of her in a bad way. However, there was still that small pang of doubt in her stomach which caused her to walk slowly and solidly all the way to Haruka and Michiru's door, and knock very tentatively.

"Come in," came a sleepy groan which sounded somewhat like Michiru. There was also a bit of movement which was probably Haruka rolling over in bed, annoyed at being woken. _Gomen,_ thought Setsuna, opening the door and walking in. Michiru was sitting upright in her bed, looking in her direction with a sleepy but confused look on her face.

"G – gomen," said Setsuna, apologetically. "I woke you."

"Don't worry," replied Michiru. "Have a seat." She patted a spot on her bed, where Setsuna went and sat down. The time guardian could not help but admire how cute Michiru looked in her nightdress. No, she wasn't having dirty thoughts about her friend: she simply thought that Michiru looked pretty. "So…what's up?" asked Michiru.

Setsuna's stomach fluttered as she thought _Now or never._ She clasped her hands together and prepared herself for the conversation that was about to happen. She wasn't even sure why she was feeling scared – she was only talking to Michiru, her best friend. She glanced around at where Haruka was leaning on one arm, looking annoyed at being woken up, yet extremely concerned. Setsuna thought she was probably staring at the dark circles under her eyes. _She really does care, _she thought.

"Well…" she began. "It's just…"

She knew it would be difficult to say everything she felt. She could tell that Haruka and Michiru were completely awed by the fact that she'd even so much as wandered into their bedroom in the middle of the night, for this was very out-of-character for someone like her. She wondered what they were thinking. Was it 'Oh dear, something's wrong, I hope she's alright'? Or was it 'Just get this over with so I can go back to bed'? She hoped it was the former. Tucking her long hair behind her ear, she continued.

"All this," she said. "It feels really…"

It was surprisingly hard to find the right word to describe what she was feeling. There was a long silence as she racked her brain hard to find the right words. Haruka was now looking extremely confused and Setsuna could understand why. Haruka was probably thinking something along the lines of 'For fuck's sake, you're not fuking lonely anymore so stop being such a worrywart!'

"It's scary," Setsuna admitted. "And…and empty. It just feels _too_ normal, if you know what I mean."

Michiru nodded understandingly. Setsuna watched her expression closely: it did not change to one of anger or disappointment; more like the 'I'll be there for you' sort of expression. Setsuna felt a pang of relief.

"I know what you mean," replied Michiru. "It's like a gaping hole's been left where our alter-egos used to be, right?"

"Yes," replied Setsuna. Wow, Michiru was brilliant at figuring people out. She understood Setsuna's emotions better than the time guardian did herself! "But I feel really out of place," Setsuna confessed. "I feel like this isn't right for me. As if…I was destined to be…" 

She did not want to say the last word for it would inflict pain not only upon herself, but on the others too. She knew that this was the last thing they wanted to become of her, and that if she said that, they'd feel terrible.

"Don't say it," said Michiru, as though she was reading her friend's thoughts. "Setsuna-chan you know that's not true. Remind me how many times I've told you that." 

"Um…I've lost track," admitted Setsuna, going slightly pink. "But that doesn't change anything. I still feel…" 

"Tsuna-chan!" interrupted Michiru – this appeared to wake up Haruka to the point where she was actually paying attention. "Do you really think that Queen Serenity would have it in her to banish any of us to the depths of loneliness? Do you think she'd want us to be alone and miserable for all eternity? Because if that's what you think of Queen Serenity then you need to rethink it! She'd never wish to condemn any of us to such a horrible fate!"

"And yet I was…" 

This left a deathly silence. Haruka and Michiru stared at their friend who now looked on the verge of tears. Her crimson eyes were staring into her lap and her green hair had fallen in front of her face. She made no attempt to move it, but just sat there with her hands in her lap, deep in thought.

"Setsuna-chan," said Haruka, surprising the green-haired woman simply by speaking, but she didn't continue for she was unsure of what to say.

"Haruka," replied Setsuna. "Of all of us, it was me who had to stand outside the time gate for nine hundred years. It's me who was condemned to watch so many lives suffer on account of evil, and was unable to change them simply because it would mess up the time stream. It's me who constantly felt like I could have done something, that I could have put my own life before the lives of others, but didn't because I was forbidden. Do you really think you could possibly understand that?"

Another silence, this one being the moment where Haruka and Michiru contemplated the words of their friend. Such deep words, yet so incomprehensible…

"And yet," replied Michiru, "that is no longer so. You were not condemned for eternity. Nine hundred years is nothing in comparison to the whole fabric of time."

"Nine hundred in comparison to the mere eighty or so years I get to be normal," replied Setsuna. "And eighty years in comparison to the fabrics of time feels like a second to me."

A tear leaked out of her eyelids and fell onto her lap. Michiru put her arm around her comfortingly, and Setsuna cried into her shoulder. Haruka, who was not generally good with these kinds of situations, sat there and watched them. It was the first time anyone had ever seen Setsuna cry and Setsuna suddenly found herself feeling scared.

"Gomen," she whispered, wiping the tears off her face. "I should probably go." 

"Iie, Setsuna," replied Michiru with a stern look on her face. "You are going nowhere. Not until we sort out this mess."

Setsuna smiled in appreciation. "Arigato," she said.

"Now," began Michiru. "I already told you that Queen Serenity would never condemn us to such a fate where one would be lonely for all eternity. When you were the guardian of time, it's true that you did spend an awful lot of time at the time gates. However," she continued, before Setsuna could interrupt, "you weren't there forever. There were many instances in which you were allowed to leave the time gate. Like with the whole talisman thing. I don't remember you standing around watching us through the gates of time. I remember you bringing forth the third talisman, saving our lives and helping us summon the purity chalice. In that instance, you did not have to sit back and watch anyone suffer. You did your bit to help us."

"But there were so many other times…" 

"Setsuna," said Michiru. "You're not feeble, you're not in the wrong, you're not helpless and you're not guilty of anything. I don't think Queen Serenity wished for you to have to see all the things you did; however, such things were necessary were the world to be protected. Just think how much more chaos would have been caused had you not been there to guard the time gates. Many forms of evil didn't dare approach the gates simply because of your presence. You helped a lot just by being there."

Setsuna nodded as a certain light dawned on her. She realized that she'd been far too negative on the situation, and that Michiru had been the light eliminating her shadows of doubt. She suddenly felt warmer and happier, rather than cold and empty as previously. On the spur of a moment, she grabbed Michiru and pulled her into a hug.

"Arigato," she said. "But you know, I think Haruka's getting a bit jealous." Actually, Haruka did look rather…wound up that her girlfriend was hugging another woman.

"Yes," she said. "Michiru, it's bed time and you know what that means. Hey Setsuna," she added. "Wanna join us?"

"No!" Setsuna replied exasperatedly. "I'll just get out and leave you two to do your business."

She stood up and made her way to the door. "And Michiru," she said, "thanks again." 

Michiru smiled as Setsuna left the room. The time guardian walked back down to her bedroom with the knowledge that tonight she would no longer feel like an insomniac.


End file.
